Hit the panic button

Well, the names mentioned here are not real names. If the people involved actually found this, I will be chopped to pieces and fed to the vultures and the rest of me cremated. For anyone with a problem, fuck yourself.

So, on one depressed evening I met my girl, Joey. Actually, she was the depressed one. See Joey has a medical condition called nymphomania or something of the sort. i take it as a curse kinda. This girl has craaazy hormones. Coitus is her air and I am for real. Girl can’t stay without it. Anyway, so this day she calls me up and she is almost in tears. I rush to the rescue and get her in a bar as usual.

Problem is, her so called boyfriend could only muster one round, as in msee alimwaga once na ikaisha. Kama kuku. She wanted a second one but the guy was out. Ha! I almost choked with laughter. She was clearly distraught. I could see crocodile tears. Hehee

So I bought her a double and gave her a hug. If I had a penis I would have given it to her in the loos or some dark corner in that pub.

I wasn’t in such a good state myself. My hormones were crazy but not to the point of running my brain. Now, two things happened, No. 1 I called my b/f JK and for some reason communication ilikuwa down kama slippers za lodging. Ok. So I’m getting none tonight, I thought. No. 2 I received a text from my ex. The only man I always knew would father my kids. His news, “I am now a daddy!!!” he sounded sooo excited it made me nauseous.

“Boss, bring us some tequila…” 

1 tequila, 2 tequila ….

We decided to change locations. Uptown we went.

Now I and Joey had been joking about one day having a threesome just for fun. It was an overplayed joke but on this particular night, it seemed feasible. Calls were made and we settled on one male. He is sexy and all that plus the two had banged each other a couple of times. He is great, I was assured.

We enter his house and as usual I rush to the kitchen for food. A girl has to eat. I am in the kitchen and the sound track is moans. The two couldn’t just wait. They had to maul each other first. So, after round one, Joey blacks out and the guy emerges to the kitchen to sample my food drunken mixture.

He is naked. Ok, nice piece you have there. We sit, eat and retire to the room.

See, me and sex are not soo close. We love each other when we are apart but hate each other when we meet.

Joey wakes up and she looks soo excited. I am mortified. I know I have seen this in movies and shit but damn, I can’t hack it in real life. *panic button* the voices in my head go on…”she can’t touch me I’m not gay….he can’t see me naked, that’s only for JK…is that penis meant to go in the both of us….can it fit….who goes first ama it’s both at once……are there condoms…..”.

how long?

Some months back, I recall trooping into a vehicle and heading down to Kerugoya. Not for a road trip, but to bury a close ally. She had left us as they put it. The cause: HIV. Now, this is not something people say out loud. They are scared to, think of it as a curse. I have to admit, it is scary but its amongst us. Literally lives with us.

Let me spin a little tale. Now, this woman, my friend, was a single mom. Four kids from four different fathers. I kinda saw the disease taking toll on her. From the TB to the herpes and skin lesions. I knew she wouldn’t last long. And she didn’t.  let’s call her Leah

During a bar run with other friends we sit and reminisce Leah. Her days, her life. You know, the usual thing friends do. That’s when the list came out. Slowly names were being dropped and now the puzzle came together.

I will backtrack a bit. When Leah was hospitalized and it was evident what was ailing her, very few people went to see her in hospital. The funeral was no different either. Not everyone showed up.

Back to the bar – so names were dropped.. she had shared a bed, a ditch, a loo.. etc with many a man. See, Leah used to love the bottle. Tusker Malt was her drink of choice. Though once she became slightly inebriated, morals were thrown out. Loose is the term, or should I say seriously horny. At a point, she would have three guys all over her; fingers, penises… name it. i think you can figure out where they all fit . women have many holes. More than meets the eye. This is how she popped all those kids. bastards.

Going through that list made me choke and send tears to my eyes. I knew almost all. The circle of swapping body fluids was huuuge. Now, I cannot be a judge. I really don’t know who used protection or not so I could only hope none of them went at it raw.

The day ended.

3 months down the line. Two of those people in the circle are on ARV’s. How long before I pour soil on another grave????

Dear Beau,



Dear beau,

I’m not really good at this but I’ll try my best.  I just wanted to tell you something. Always have but I never got round to it. Couldn’t get myself to say, baby we need to talk.

I was walking around minding my own business, trying to grasp why I was still breathing. I would stop and pinch myself a bit. That’s when I had a little collision. I met him. He spoke, I spoke. He kissed I kissed back. It all happened so fast, but shit it was good. I wanted more but I kept on thinking if I go back, I might lose my birthright, citizenship or something. Don’t laugh, shit like that actually happens. But I tell you, that little place he took me to I cannot forget. Keeps on haunting me. He is just the perfect person. He holds my hand, gets me so scared when he talks feelings and fuck, I love it. The way his actions or words play musical chairs with my emotions. I’m slowly becoming an addict. I’m getting addicted to the very being that is you, my dear. He is you.

I mess around a lot. Always stepping on your toes. My bad. I want to do a whole lot for you but shit I’m not going to climb a mountain or cross a river. Have you looked at those things? Real scary. Neither will I cry for you, emotions are for the faint hearted. Hit the roof? Naah, I’ll pass and maybe try hit a nail. You may call, I will not pick up. You may text and it goes unreplied. But that is all me. Well, the bad part. Don’t take anything I say personally. I talk a whole lot of shit. At times I wonder if I ever took a crap when I was a kid. I’ll ask mum when I see her. That’s the ugly side. And it does not matter much. All that matters is I don’t want you to leave. You make me curl up at night and think about you. (Don’t tell anyone that. I will deny)  And trust me, that counts for a whole lot. I’m here to stay and I want you to stay with me.

Your heart mate,

Mwiks.