what the head thinks, the hand puts down

of fears…

It seems I have quite a number that practically scream
The one right now I can identify with is love. I hate being loved or loving.
Let me give you my take on this thing called love: you spend days, months, maybe years trying to build yourself together.. build armor, forage or something to protect yourself. Then one day, you meet one stupid person out of the billions out there. And with one stupid phrase, sentence or act like a simple kiss, a tender touch or maybe, I like you.. and you find yourself giving in. your whole armor feels like a mud hut in times of rain. But hey, you do not mind. You are in bliss; cloud nine and all the synonyms going with it. So you live well, and guess what?? After a while, you go back to that one simple sentence, act or thing.. and this time it goes like.. we should just be friends, a shrug or maybe nkt!! (whatever that means) and your universe comes to an end.
It feels like a glass splinter is being pushed through your heart, slooowly. It hurts like hell. And mind you, its just not physical pain, it goes mental too plus in the soul (don’t know what kind of pain that is) but all elements of the human life hurt like hell.
You do not know what to do, cry, scream, shout, laugh….mixed emotions of confusion are all you feel. And the mind and body cannot coordinate….arrghhh!! no appetite, want to drink…probably not. You have hit rock bottom and instead of stopping there you go on and dig out a couple of rocks.
Then the worst part comes, you have to wake up, dust yourself and move on. Start building your armor once more… yikes!! Fuck love.
Sorry bout all that, it comes from experience.. though I think I have had worse than that. but I digress. I was talking about my fear for love or being loved otherwise known as philophobia – thanks to Wikipedia. It’s this feeling that I have. I hate hurting people to say the least. Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone who has just been disappointed or received bad news??? Trust me it’s the worst ever and I vowed to myself I will never cause that look… owwww, it also hurts me too. Thus my fear of being loved. I always think I will mess up sometime, and trust me I always do, ok, not all the time certain times. I do not like having the responsibility over a persons feelings. Can’t they just take care of themselves??? Eish!! Let me deal with mine and you deal with yours? Deal??? Cool. I like you already.
Now onto loving… just one word. It sucks big time. Its that point when you are your silliest, or should I say most stupid. It’s at times like these even your mother would doubt if she actually gave birth to you. But man, its fun to look behind and have a good laugh….. Like remember that time, I walked out of my warm bed at 2am to go to a bar and pick him up because he was totally gone???? Or when you went all the way to Kirinyaga not even knowing where that was on the map knowing he was going to get you at the stage when you arrived?? Talk of madness and impromptu decisions. No thanks, I’d rather leave those to when buying shoes….


November 17, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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